People have always told me that I’m very direct. Little do you know all the things I’m not telling, I invariably think to myself.
I’m a lot more direct these days. Directness feels good. I feel untethered, and directness has powerfully elevated my professional impact.
Then, the other day.
I come home from a dinner and think of a few things I have said to my host, and I suddenly panic. Wait a minute, that may have been way too unfiltered. You may have totally offended him!
Potential unintended impact. Not my intent. Gosh, I hope I’m not turning into a self-righteous jerk, I wonder. And I remember the two emails I sent. They contained difficult messages. They were to the point. I did not received answers right away.
Really, am I being too direct?
Maturity means you and I second-guess ourselves less. We have the courage of getting to the point. And we are, I hope, kind to others.
I want to continue being direct. Here’s my Directness Checklist. Memo to Achim. If it works for you as well – Memo to You:
1. Don’t Make Them Wrong
In case of doubt, argue passionately FOR what you stand for instead of AGAINST what they believe in. Draw a contrast between two divergent positions if you must, but resist the temptation to hammer away at everything that is wrong about what s/he values. Chances are, you will get lost in a tirade. Directness gone wrong.
2. Cut the Edge
The edge – that is any tinge of arrogance, superiority, sarcasm. Any touch of bravado or self-righteousness. Your swagger. Cut it. All they will hear is the edge, and what you advocate for so strongly will be instantly dismissed..
3. Keep it Brief
Direct goes hand-in-hand with concise. The danger? When we feel strongly about a point of view, we will always be tempted to go on and on. And on. Because we want them to “really get it.” The less they get it, the more we go on and on. Their wall goes up. A vicious cycle. It’s brutal. Brevity, please.
4. The 1-second Delay
You pride yourself on being direct but others have labeled you a “shoot-from-the-hip” person? You may think to yourself yeah that’s kinda cool, but chances are the label was not intended as a compliment. Direct with no impact. You know how they have a 7-second delay in live television so an editor can bleep the unacceptable crap? You may not need 7 seconds, but when you find yourself wanting to shoot from the hip, impose your own 1-second delay. Breathe. Think. Edit yourself. What comes next will likely be a little more direct with a lot more impact.
Here’s my cruise ship lesson. You know how there are those conversations we have over and over again? They can be splendid teachers. Here’s a conversation that is endemic to South Florida where I live. My home is 15 minutes from the Port Everglades Cruiseport in Ft. Lauderdale, and nearly everyone in my social circles takes advantage of this proximity. Folks here LOVE to cruise. And they LOVE to talk about it. I don’t love cruising. Being on a cruise ship feels like being locked up in a gaudy low-end Las Vegas hotel with too many guests and no way to escape. This is a sacrilegious perspective in my neck of the woods. I have learned to not indulge my disdain of cruises. I talk about the joys of vacationing in the Keys, instead. Very directly.
The two emails I wrote? The responses came in and all is well. I had a very pleasant social exchange with my dinner host. But I’m relieved that I considered my Directness Checklist again. An essential tune-up. I need it ever so often.